MEMO TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

profanitySTAFF NOTICE

MEMO TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to the complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of offensive language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner, without risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers.

OLD PHRASE                              NEW PHRASE

  1. No fucking way.                           1.  I’m fairly sure that it is not feasible.
  2. You’re fucking joking.                 2.  Really.
  3. Tell someone who gives a fuck.    3.  Have you run that by . . .
  4. No cunt told me.                          4.  I was not involved in that project.
  5. I don’t have the fucking time.      5.  Perhaps I can work late.
  6. Who fucking cares.                       6.  Are you sure that is a problem?
  7. Eat shit and die.                           7.  You don’t say.
  8. Eat shit and die, motherfucker.    8.  You don’t say, Sir.
  9. Kiss my arse.                               9.  So you would like me to help you.
  10. He’s a fucking prick.                 10. He is somewhat insensitive.
  11. She’s a ball-busting bitch.                   11. She is an aggressive go-getter.
  12. You haven’t got a fucking clue. 12. You could benefit from more training.
  13. This place is fucked.                            13. You are a little disorganised today.
  14. What sort of fucker are you?     14. You’re new here, aren’t you?
  15. Fuck off, shithead.                     15. Well, there you go.
  16. You are a fucking wanker.                  16. You are my boss and I respect you.
  17. Ha! Suck eggs.                           17. I wasn’t there that day.
  18. You’re fucking paranoid.          18. So, you’re from Hong Kong.
  19. You’re fucking useless.              19. So, you’re from Bombay.
  20. Fuck off.                                    20. I’ll look into that and get back to you.

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